“Destructive Behavior”
In the 4th chapter of John (5-26 ) there is a story about a Samaritan woman that met Jesus while drawing water from a well. It was not by coincidence that He was there. It was her time for deliverance. Whenever she went to draw water from the well she had to deal with the other women sneering at her and talking about her, so she chose to wait and go later, during the hottest part of the day. She was sick and tired of tolerating them. She came to the well discouraged and ran away with purpose. The bible says “she dropped her water pot and ran to tell everyone about this man she met at the well” and “because of her TESTIMONY many believed and were saved!” This tells me it doesn’t matter what mistakes I’ve made, every adversity will produce a greater outcome. It doesn’t matter what my imperfections are, Jesus accepts me just as I am. His love will reorganize your life and put many things into perspective for you. You are valuable to Him because your life is a testimony to Him.

“It Was Me”
The day I separated from my husband everything went into pause. I was angry and felt betrayed. My daughter was crying for her daddy and I wanted to kill her daddy. The little bit of my life, that I felt I still had, was over and sadly, I could not hear from God or feel his presence. I did finally get to a point of saying “I refuse to be destroyed”. Yes, a mistake was made, and we’ve all made plenty, but a person can be provoked. At first, I said “my husband is running away from 13 years of being together; burying one son and losing two others. He’s running away from his baby girl and her tears begging him to come home. He’s running away and turning his back on his family, after all we had gone through”. I could no longer penetrate his heart. He wouldn’t come home and love didn’t keep him home. So I began to ask the question, Why? And God began to answer.

For the next six months, God revealed me, to myself. I had to learn some things about me. He showed me every single mistake I made that led to my separation from my spouse. Everything I heard and saw was revelation of something about me. One Sunday morning I was getting ready for church. I had this overwhelming feeling of guilt after listening to a preacher on television. I began to weep and whispered, “God please don’t let it be because of me”. It was at that moment I realized, I had let my husband down and more so, I was acting out of God’s will. I literally did not see it before. I realized so much could have been avoided. I became filled with guilt and anger. “My husband was running from me”. I know it wasn’t all because of me. It takes two to make any relationship work well, but God will hold each of us accountable for what we do.

My most common violation in my marriage involved intimacy. One area in the bible that I was remiss about was 1 Corinthians 7:4-5 (NIV):

The wife's & husband’s body does not belong to him or her alone. It also says “Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack
of self-control.”

God expected me to honor His word. What do you suppose one of you will be tempted to do? The stress will cause each of you to value each other less, talk less, do less and eventually comfort each other less. You will be an open wound if you are not there for each other. Also, in 1 Corinthians 7:14 & 16:

For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. (16) How do you know wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know husband whether you will save your wife?

Your spouse, your family and your children can be delivered because of your faith and trust in God. You will receive the results of your faith. No faith = No results. If you really, with your whole heart, go to God and ask Him to move on your behalf and work in your marriage, He will. How do I know, because “God is not a man that He {His word} should lie, nor a son of man, that He should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does He promise and not fulfill?” {Number 23:19-NIV} The bible has numerous of scripture that talks about prayer. It tells us if we have faith that is the size of the grain of a mustard seed we can move mountains. It tells us when we pray to believe and not doubt in our hearts and God will do what we ask. It also states that some things can only come through prayer and fasting.

If I had put my trust in God and sought his face, I know the outcome would have been different. In all that I know about Christ and God’s word, I should have been mad at the devil, not my man. Instead, I persecuted him with my mouth and I became his judge and God judged me. I am in no way saying everyone should stay with their spouse no matter what the situation. It goes without saying that if your life is being threatened and you are dealing with a violent, hostile situation, YOU MUST GO! However, what I learned is that no matter what happens in my life, I must honor God in everything I say and everything I do. It is ALL ABOUT HIM. If I had honored “Seek ye first the Kingdom of Heaven; All its righteousness will be added unto you”; God would have given me insight, strength and wisdom to wait on Him for deliverance in my marriage. God will never compromise his own word, if He said it, he will do it. I never gave God the opportunity to work in my marriage. His hands were bound. I put myself in God’s place and I got “self” results. Today, I count it all joy. I am back in right position with God and stepped out of sin and rebellion and I am surrendering to His will.

“Lay Down Your Torch”
I realized how much God loves me. What God wanted to work out was between me and Him and receive the glory He is entitled to. What I found out about God, is this, after all the pain, the hurt and a river of tears; after the shame and guilt of a failed marriage; and losing the man I still love, I found out that God is patient, gentle, forgiving, compassionate, merciful, kind and gives abundant grace. He is so true to His word. I didn’t know that I would today, still be friends with my husband. I didn’t know my own inner strength. I didn’t know I would one day speak an unknown tongue and I sure didn’t know I would have the courage to be a praise dancer. God found me in my mess and gave me beauty for ashes. He rescued me.

I have gone through a lot and I know there are more hurting women who internalize so much like I did. Don’t be like me and try to handle it yourself, because you can’t. Seek help. I was hurting and thought I was nothing. I thought I had made so many mistakes that it would take too much to turn it all around and not even God was able. I put God in a box, because in my mine I saw my adversities as punishment for my bad behavior and disobedience and truthfully some of it was; however, it was because of how much He loves me.

I told pastor (Bishop Johnnie L. Reid, Garrett Memorial Church), I was stuck at “A” and how do I get past “A”. He said “conquer A and B will follow”. I had to let go. I had to lay down my torch of self-righteousness, complaining, pain and anger. I had to bury the hurt. If you {like me} was pulled in a closet and molested as a child there is nothing wrong with you. We were victims! I have sought the Lord and I have learned, and I am still learning, to let it all go. It was time to move past my past and transition from pain to purpose. God is the only source that can help you get through the process. I can’t let the past hold my future hostage. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone. He already knows everything about me. I can not let anyone keep me from believing in me. Everything is between me and Him. I accepted life is not fair sometimes. It wasn't meant to be. I accepted change and growth can be down right uncomfortable. Whatever you have to go through, you have to just lean on God’s word and walk right through the process. Christ was crucified on the cross and He fulfilled his purpose and came down from the cross. What do you have to lose in trying Christ?

Everyone has a defining moment in life, a moment that will change everything. Just hold on, God’s will, it will prevail. My husband and I communicate better now than we have in five years prior to separating. My daughter was losing her hair {because of the emotional stress}, it has grown back and you can’t tell it was gone. She is so much happier now and much better in school because of peace in the home. She misses her daddy and he is being there for her. In the end, I repented. I have been repositioned in Christ and I have the peace of God. I know I have so much to look forward to as I walk in obedience. I have a scripture (Proverbs 19:20-21) that I personalized to apply to me. I feel it best describes this journey best. So, if you find it difficult to accept what I’m saying, accept it from His word. “Once I {Kim} listened to advice and accepted instruction, in the end I {Kim} became wiser. I {Kim} may have been birthed from the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevailed”.

It helped me to Breathe Again!